Global Striping

• Al Gore saves the planet. Again.

 

Dear Aunt Barbara,

Thanks for sending those amazing photos of the striped icebergs.  I have never seen or heard of anything like this.

Of course, I became quite alarmed and decided we need to find out for certain what’s causing this. It’s obvious to me that some sort of scientific phenomena is occurring and should be adequately investigated. Naturally, I contacted Al Gore.

Believe it or not, Al was already on top of it. He sent me an amazing body of scientific evidence proving, beyond any doubt (by reasonable people, of course) that this phenomena is happening all over the world in what he’s calling “global striping”. It’s pretty scary stuff.

Undeniable scientific proof of global striping.

                         Al explained that this was being caused by way too much money in the atmosphere, particularly here in America. What he’s proposing is the “de-greening” of America. Essentially what needs to happen is that each of us as serious patriotic Americans and responsible stewards of the earth, should divest ourselves of the evil offender (money) as quickly as possible. He has developed some sort of “machine” where this money can be collected and safely “redistributed” in order to cause the very least atmospheric disturbance. We just need to send it all to him. If we don’t we can expect to see more outbreaks of “global striping” like these horrific photos demonstrate.

Horrific effects of global striping

No doubt, many people will be skeptical. There are always “those”, the ignorant masses. He says that’s why we have to get the word out through the most effective means. For example, Academy Award winning movies (tickets $12, popcorn $6), books ($24.95), public schools and universities, and Oprah. We don’t want to scare anybody, but if we don’t stop global striping now, our children could be next.

Al says "save the children."

I don’t know about you, but I think the country, nay, the entire world owes Al Gore a tremendous debt for alerting us to the dangers of global striping. I only hope that someday we can find a way to repay him.

Amercia says "thank you" to Al Gore.

God Bless America!  Your loving nephew,  Randy.

Not sure? Ask Snopes.

Ever passed along a bit of information from the internet to your email friends only to have one of them return it with a note that they had checked it out on Snopes.com and found out that none of it was true. Yeah, I know. Nothing like a little truth to spoil the fun. For many souls zipping around the world wide web, Snopes has become the arbiter of truth. But who are these people and what makes them the experts. Well, we did a little checking and here’s what we found.

Snopes, as it turns out, is Todd and Wanda Snopes, working out of Cuddy’s Sorrow, Oklahoma and armed with a partial set of encylopedias (“We’re missing the I-J edition.”) and a subscription to People magazine. Todd and Wanda are setting the record straight.

Todd Snopes

Wanda Snopes

Wanda explains “how the whole thing got started.” 

“Todd had a computer he used in his bait and tackle business. The business nose-dived when oil leaked out of his Pontiac Firebird and got in the worm bed.”

“Fish don’t bite on oily worms,” says Todd. “You can try to squeeze the oil out, but it don’t leave much worm. That pretty much put us out of business.”  

Todd's worm bed

“I started getting on the computer more and more, since it wasn’t being used for anything else,” Wanda remembers, “and started learning my way around the internet.”

“I was on there one day looking around, trying to find out where to redeem seventy-three hundred Raleigh cigarette coupons that Mama left as my inheritance. She was two hundred short of that set of Wild Turkey lamps when she died.”

7300 Raleigh cigarette coupons. Wanda's inheritance.

Wild Turkey lamp set. 7500 Raleigh coupons.

“Anyway,” continues Wanda, “while I was on there diggin’ around I came across this blog story about an email that was circulating saying that Ted Danson had only three toes on one foot!  Now I love Ted Danson and had just read his complete biography in People magazine and it hadn’t mentioned one thing about a three-toed Ted Danson.”

Ted Danson's complete biography in People magazine.

Three-toed footprint on the beach near Ted Danson's house.

 “So I posted a reply to everybody that the story just wasn’t true and left my email address in case anybody wanted to argue about it. Next thing you know I had someone emailing me asking me if it was true that Teflon was made from monkey fat. I wasn’t sure so I asked Todd and he said no, that monkey fat was used to make Turtle Wax, which I found pretty confusing… I mean, why not call it Monkey Wax then?” 

Todd Snopes says Turtle Wax made from monkey fat.

“Well, one thing led to another and before you know it we had a website with everybody in the world sending us stuff to ask us whether it was true or not. Thank goodness Mama left us those encyclopedias.”

“But you can thank me for the subscription to People magazine,” adds Todd.

“Yeah,” smiles Wanda, “that was my first anniversary gift.”

Wanda's mama, Birdie Jo Tankersly